As I Like It!

AS I LIKE IT!

golf ball

JULY 11

A GOOD MAN GONE BAD

Nothing is sadder to a parent than having to stand by and see one of your children fall into bad habits and destructive behavior, but our 4th of July was dampened by news from Cincinnati of such conduct. Clista’s oldest son, David, is apparently going through a serious mid-life crisis, and it is heart breaking for both of us.

Until recently, David has been the epitome of the American dream. He put himself through college, earning both bachelor and master’s degrees, and subsequently was invited into Phi Beta Kappa. He has held a series of responsible jobs in his field of financial management, and is currently a top executive with a large firm. He has a wonderful wife and three bright, well-mannered children. We have all admired David.

The first sign of trouble surfaced about a year ago when David bought a high performance sports car. In most cases, seeing a fifty-something year old man indulging in such a toy would be amusing, but not disturbing. In David’s case, it was troubling. I can say without reservation that David Eastland is the worst driver with whom I have ever ridden. We feared not only for his life, but for the lives of the citizens of Ohio.

Just as everyone was adjusting to the BMW, we received much more ominous news. This spring David decided to commit to total self-destruction when he began playing golf. While I have to admit that I view golf as a communist based conspiracy to destroy our American way of life, I have known incidents where a person successfully took up the game, but managed to retain his or her sanity. There are few such stories, but it is not completely unknown.

The people who can deal with the insidious effect of golf usually fall into two categories: either they are natural golfers and master the game within weeks, or they are of such placid disposition that they would enjoy a week on the rack. David falls into the very worst segment of golfers. He is competitive beyond comprehension. He plays table and word games not to win, but to utterly destroy his opposition. In golf the opposition is the player himself, and our fear is that David will grow to hate himself to the extent of doing personal bodily harm.

In late July the whole family will meet at Tim’s Ford Lake for the annual family reunion, and we are prepping for an intervention, with the goal of convincing David to join Duffer’s Anonymous, a twelve step program designed to save people such as David. We remain hopeful.

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Categories: As I Like It!

11 replies »

  1. I gave my clubs to my nephew about 10 years ago and denounced this evil delusion. Haven’t missed it once.

    Nice job.

    Lane

  2. Hmmm. First, let’s not confuse driving fast and in a way that might inspire fear in other road users as being a “bad driver.” One doesn’t purchase a BMW to drive slow, including slow around corners.

    On the issue of golf, you are correct that in golf one’s opponent is oneself. At some point in life one occasionally becomes disappointed in the level of competition from others and seeks a more worthy opponent. I decided to go for the highest level of competition. As an fyi, Ian and I are bringing our clubs to the lake in July hoping to find a good local course for an early morning outing or two. Hope you’ll join us!

  3. Tom my husband feels the same way when he retire 21 years ago I ran all over town trying to buy him golf clubs and he finally said please don’t buy me any golf clubs I’m not good at it and I don’t like it

  4. Just finished Jake’s Revenge about 10 min ago. Very entertaining! You did leave out Dimetri’s in Homewood. Good read.

    Bill Phillips 

    • Golf is a mystical enterprise to many, an addiction for some, and a pathway to suicidal and homicidal impulses for others…exactly as you describe. Waste of good land and precious water in my sacrilegious way of thinking.

      My great grandmother’s comment on golf c. 1910 as reported by my grandmother in 1958: “Golf? Honey, men are capable of doing worse things in a cow pasture, but I don’t think they pay for it.”

      I should say that about covers it.

      chip

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